Which fits perfectly into my theme and purpose tonight:
Why is
Behavior change so hard?! Why can’t I take this flaw so obvious and embarrassing
and weak… and change it to a desired behavior? Why is that SO. DAMN. HARD?????
I was a spacey kid. I got away with it. I was a spacey
teenager. I got away with it. I am a spacey woman….
I’m not letting myself get
away with it!… even though I sort of am because the way I look at it is, when
someone spaces out on me, I am usually really understanding and will more or
less always give someone another chance, so I more or less assume they will feel that way towards me.
Maybe that is a fault all on it’s own
as that is a dangerous path towards getting walked all over… you become the
path if you keep giving people chances when they flake.
But here is the thing. I don’t want to be spaced out on. And
I don’t want to space out on others. I’m sick of myself. The worst part is… I’m
not entirely sure how to fix it.
For the perfection-seeking virgo, this is a big problem. It is torture. Letting others down and not living up to expectations is like watching a glass fall from a tall building, while you are just the right distance away to be helpless. You know what's going to happen, you see it happen, and there is nothing you can do about it.... I plan to get to a point where I reposition the glass before it falls.
Do we just go through life with flaws, accepting them almost
as DNA. Because that’s what it feels like when I try to change. It feels like I
might as well be hoping to wake up with brown eyes instead of blue.
Responsibility instead of irresponsibility.
Maybe it’s a sign I’m not doing what I love? That was one
take my sister opened my eyes to. And there is something to be said for that.
Am I doing what I ultimately want to be doing? No. I want to help nutrient
deficient populations abroad. I want to write. I don’t want to have to be
somewhere at a certain time, unless I go back to school or have a project I am
excited about.
I know this sounds all bratty to say. Like why am I so special
that I should not have to pay my dues and work my way towards that life. And it’s
not that I’m not open to working to get where I want to be…. It’s more that I am
constantly scared that my current path is not leading me there. Boom, I said
it.
Many of us hit that point as we get older. At some point as a kid we had this vision of our life at age "25", "35", "40"... 9 times out of 10 our life is very far from that vision... We tend to see this more often than not as a negative realization.
In reality, I think it is a good reminder that we need to judge our contentment not on society's expectations of age-appropriate descriptions (i.e. solid career by 25, married by 30, kids by 37) nor our own previous expectations of what our life should look like at any given age.
Rather this is the judgement to rely on at any given moment: Am I following my heart's desire, leading an honest life, and contributing to my own well being and that of others'?
If your answer is no- the simple part is you know you need to make a change. The complicated part is that it may be a big one (change jobs, friends, daily habbits).
If your answer is yes- Congratulations! Keep it up and keep assessing that question in the present.
If, however, your answer involves a "yes, but" like mine... "yes, but I want to be better at being more responsible and I feel like I have been held back from my full potential because of this behavior".... Then it's reevaluation time.
So there's my answer. Or at least AN answer.
In true virgo form, I plan to organize a logical plan to improve my Spacey Tracy condition....
I have begun to utilize more scheduling technique's (like talking to Siri who has become my closest girlfriend and all too closely reminds me of iRobot).
I have brainstormed an idea to create a chart to track my progress (aka I will recap the week and note any time I rescheduled/canceled/double booked/or heaven forbid flaked : ( I will also record if got canceled on etc.)
Lastly, I have drafted documents to hold me and my clients accountable for giving advance notice for rescheduling and listed out the consequences for breaking this policy, on both ends, mine and theirs.
I am looking forward to the progress. It will be diligent work to make strides, and I am up for the process!
What's your behavior that Never Ends? And What can You come up with as action steps in a better direction? Let me know if I can help, and if you have any suggestions for me as well.
Tessie
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