I want to start a blog. I want to write. I am writing. I am taking the first step. Do I believe in signs? Shall I let signs, my head, or my heart lead me to delve into one side of my brain or the other?
I have a knack for science, but the emotional and expressive/creative side of me is more what I have pursued thus far. This streams into another question: do I want to use my brain or my body? I yearn to go to graduate school, yet I am currently embarking on a career pursuit towards modeling and acting.
If there are signs, I think one would be the fact that I am sitting in a Starbucks right now and I am pretty sure I am the only one not working on something academic… and my heart is throbbing with jealousy! The two men across the table from me are working on some intriguing physics problem, and one has to keep explaining it to the other. It reminds me of my tendency to be an enthusiastic explainer… aka an over-explainer. This quality in turn has come in most useful, however, in my passion for teaching. Just as my secret love of the limelight has led me towards the arts and performing, and just as my itch to explore the world has led me to research careers abroad, and just as my college cheerleading athletic trainer has sparked my interest in sports nutrition… So you see, the soul/career-searching never ends…. I’m sure you can relate.
I was reading in O, Oprah’s magazine, some articles about connecting what we do for a living with what we love. If these two things are one in the same, we have found our calling. One article suggested thinking back of any activity that brought you joy in the past or that you got excited about. Easy- I love school supplies, poetry, and helping other people. More specifically, I remember in catholic school one of the first poems I wrote. It was called “A Spiced Aroma”. Reading it now it is not the greatest of poems but I remember being so proud of it and really believing that feelings can be captured in words. Word choice, rhythm and flow can actually appeal to all the senses. To me, that is magical. One of my favorite days in college is in Spanish class. We translated an English poem into Spanish and had to maintain the same rhyming structure, mood of the poem and so on. I had a real knack for it and was, if I may say so myself, far more creative and determined to stick to these guidelines than my classmates.
As far as helping people- when someone is hurting or has a problem I love to use my philosophical, psychologist-like qualities to listen to, evaluate, and hypothesize options for someone’s particular situation.
So as the Oprah article suggested, I have been thinking about what it would look like to follow my “inner animal”- that feeling of “I want more!” which bubbles up inside when taking part in these activities that excited me. To follow it, I must ask what would the animal do next, what is the next step?
Well, I think sometimes I am so full of animals my mind is like a zoo! I am that person who changed her major from pre-med to journalism to art history to fine arts to English to… finally settling on Africana and Chinano/a studies, and Spanish- only to graduate yearning to go back to school for Sports Nutrition, of all things. No sooner after having my 2 BA’s in hand did I claim, “you know I’ve always wanted to take an acting class or try some modeling”. So instead of the woulda shoulda coulda, I’ve done it! Now that sounds like an accomplishment, and it sounds like a blessing to have the opportunity to follow one’s dreams. So why doesn’t it always feel like that? Why do I constantly feel like I’m searching? I suppose perhaps it is ok that I am still soul-searching and someday I’ll look back on this moment of confusion and realize that it was all part of the process- all necessary to get where I will be.
So along with our soul-searching, I will be offering my take, and welcoming that of others, on the many issues in life about which we desperately sigh, “it never ends”: issues surrounding relationships, health, finance, education, family, our purpose, you name it. For now, this is philosophical T signing off… until next time
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